Watch This Now: Buffalo Tales – “Amsterdam”
“The river runs wild, the veins to the heart of a city…”
Anyone who’s ever sat me down and talked about Australian music for longer than a minute or two knows that I have a few things to say about Australian Idol – not like in a fuckwitted Dave Grohl style, but in more of a supportive and even pondering style. I felt like it has brought us too much good music – Owl Eyes, Matt Corby, Bobby Flynn et al. – to be ignored as just a barren wasteland of talentless karaoke singers. There was something there, a medium that didn’t guarantee success but certainly gave enough exposure to substantiate an advanced music career, which many AI alumni now have.
It’s with this I introduce you to Buffalo Tales. The name itself may not be familiar, but perhaps Wes Carr is – the winner of the 2008 season, and perhaps the only winner apart from Guy Sebastian still actively pursuing music. He is set to release his debut album as Buffalo Tales at the end of the month, and this rustic gypsy-folk style marks a substantial departure from, say, Feels Like Whoah from his The Way the World Looks LP. The video, too, is striking and eccentric. It loosely follows on from the Blood and Bone video of last year, with both clips beginning with waking up and ending with a new journey seemingly ready to begin. Carr awakes in a forest, with three waifish girls ambiguously guiding him. Where shall it lead? I’ll leave that with you. Take a moment to breathe in the glorious location shots and the bizarre twist at the video’s end. Aside from that, I’m leaving this one entirely up to you. Make good of it.
Watch This If You Dare: Paulini – “Fireman”
“Ooh, I’m on fire, ooh, bring me some water to cool me down…”
Do not adjust your computer screens. Yes, that is Paulini Curuenavuli; Idol alumni from the very first Australian season. And for those playing at home, this is her third attempt at a career. One MOR single that scratched the top 10 way back in like 2003 or something like that, a flop album and follow-up singles, and then one of the most unintentionally hilarious supergroups this side of Chickenfoot happened in the form of Young Divas, also made up of Idol rejects including current Excess Baggage F-lister Kate Dearugo. Naturally, that too flopped… and I get the feeling that great flops come in threes.
This isn’t just a bad video – it’s a spectularly bad video. It’s a flamboyantly bad video. It’s fabulously bad. From the homoerotic firefighters with their horrendous choreography to old mate Paulini herself busting out her severely AutoTuned rhymes (much like a fellow Idol flop, Ricki-Lee) like she was Aretha or some shit, there’s very little left to the imagination in this little ditty. I can’t tell if she’s going for sex siren or gay icon, but she’s failing dismally at both. It doesn’t help that her facial expressions indicate that she would literally rather be set on fire than perform this turgid piece of sub-Vengaboys innuendo pop.
I don’t know what else to say. If you like watching things crash and burn, I have just the thing for you.
Watch This Now: Owl Eyes – “Raiders”
“I’ll give it all that I have to give…”
It was interesting to do a Google Images search for Brooke Addamo to get the picture you see above. She’s certainly come a long way since her time as a naive teen on Idol, having evolved into a unique pop artist with a strong, textured voice – but she’s also developed from a purely creative perspective. Following on from the dark, strangely sexy video of Faces late last year comes an intriguing adventure centred around the title track of her new EP, Raiders.
For this clip, Addamo appears to have gone for a mix of a gypsy queen and Xena: Warrior Princess, dancing and singing around a bizarre alternative universe that expands from barren tennis courts to mystic rivers. She carries a bow and arrow, but exactly what she needs to protect herself from won’t be initially clear. Maybe it even won’t be by the end of it, who knows? It’s all about how you interpret it – but it’s a beautifully shot and well-paced video all the same. Top work, Addamo.
Watch This if You Dare: The Patience Project – “Lipstick Cabaret”
“You’re my heroin, heart-attack…”
Oh dear. Let’s brief, and I’ll give you a blow-by-blow report on the video, so press play and wait for it to load. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Got it? Okay. See that dude with the curly hair and the guyliner strutting down the street like he’s hot shit? That’s Lee Harding. Yep, as in the Wasabi guy. Loser from Australian Idol. Good Charlotte wannabe. That guy. Who’s the chick? No freaking idea. Apparently she’s modelled for ZOO Magazine or some shit. The rest of the douchebags that make up the band are apparently ex-Kid Courageous and a bunch of other failed bands. That’s the idea they’ve gone for here – they’ve all failed miserably before and now they’re trying to sell their music again to an audience that either has no idea who they are or have since long forgotten up until this point.
Now that you’ve discovered who they are – how fucking appalling is this video and song? Like, it’s hilarious on one level, but when you realise that they’re serious it all becomes just a little fucked in the head. The dodgy garage, the cliche city-street walking, the random Asian rapper who makes the most inappropriate rap verse since Friday…this is truly rage-headache worthy. Y’know, this is probably the most famous they’re going to get – just like Lee’s last failed project, Rock City, this one is going to go nowhere fast. Still, at least it’s hilarious for now.
The Cringe: Joel Turner and the Modern Day Poets feat. Anthony “The Man” Mundine – “Knock U Out”
“Yo, it’s the man Mundine! You think my rapping’s a joke?”
Today, I’d like to take you back to a very, very unfortunate time in the history of Australian pop music. This takes place just after the first season of Australian Idol. Guy Sebastian may have come out the victor, but that didn’t mean a slew of finalists didn’t also get to release albums – as a matter of fact, a tonne of bands were kicked off Sony to make way for these tosspots. We’re talking acts like Shannon Noll, Cossima deVito, Rob Mills etc. One that we’re going to focus on today was a kid who didn’t even sing, but beatboxed in his audition – a sixteen year old kid called Joel Turner.
The novelty was there – ooh, look at all the funny noises he can make. That’s cute. But then, things got out of hand. He had a number one bogan anthem with These Kids, followed by a fucking album with a couple of his hoodrat mates that made up The Modern Day Poets. THEN, at the peak of awful, this happened. Anthony “The Man” Mundine attempted to rap. Now, some pretty terrible things happened in the decade past, but this has to rank amongst one of the worst ones, surely.
The whole thing is set in a boxing ring, naturally. The pure cheese aside – look, the ring girl is holding up “VERSE 1” instead of “ROUND 1” o lol – the whole video is just embarrassing. The gratuitous dancing girls, the tough-guy posing into the camera, the hideous boxing/beatboxing metaphors…oh, and let’s not forget the close-ups of Joel going boom-cha boom-cha. Just delightful stuff, really. So, ladies and gentlemen, here is Knock U Out in all of its hideous glory. I apologise for ruining your life. Again.
Watch This If You Dare: Scarlett Belle – “Closure”
“This heartbreak is giving me closure…”
Okay, I couldn’t help myself. You’re getting yourself a double dose of Tamara Jaber-related atrocity, following my blog of her work with Scandal’Us – this meat is considerably fresher, but tastes just as awful. Meet Scarlett Belle, a duo formed by Jaber and former Idol contestant Reigan Derry (or Derpy as I’ve taken to calling her). Just when we thought we were safe from the ex-Mrs. Sandilands, this shit goes and happens. For fuck’s sake!
This time around, not only is the music terrible, but it’s borderline-plagiaristic, too. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding – IT IS PLAGIARISM. Both Jessica Mauboy and Keri Hilson should contact the lawyers – the former for the vocal stylings and melodies from a string of her best-known singles, the latter for the beat of the song which directly rips off her hit Knock You Down with Kanye West and Ne-Yo. I know it sounds like every time one of these blogs comes up I hate everything involving Australian pop music, but it’s fucking bullshit like this that gives me reason to.
Onto the video, and things aren’t much better. Occasionally, they’re actually worse – Jaber and Derpy spend most of their time fluttering about a variety of poorly-shot and artificial-looking locations, with Jaber especially continuing her own personal fixation on her tits in a variety of skimpy retro-fuck clothing items. What’s the go here – have they both left the same dude to be with one another? Is this some kind of T.a.T.u.-esque publicity stunt? Also, watch near the very very end of this video (like 3:30/3:35) for a bizarre “subtle” advertising plug for something called a Mino HD. Anyone?
In the end, it appears the only people thinking that they’re hot shit are the two girls themselves. And, Derpy, what the fuck? Weren’t you the one who sang Karnivool on Idol? That was awesome! Why in God’s name would you even consider wasting your time here? Ian Kenny should fart in your mouth and shit all over your bedroom walls.
In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. And though I’m not normally one for censorship, someone needs to stop Tamara Jaber from ever making any kind of music or music video ever, ever again. Need moar proof? Of course you fucking do – next week I’m going for the triple threat with Tamara’s Ooh Ahh video. My hatred will boil over and melt everything it touches. You WILL want to be around to see it.
Yes, We've Got a Video! 