“And maybe that’s the truth, he clock can tick and ain’t no use…”
I more or less don’t need to do this. We’re all fully, fully aware of how much of a piece of shit will.i.am is, right? Or, at the very least, what a piece of shit he has become. Guy had incredible potential on the first few Black Eyed Peas records, can’t deny that. Once we get into anything post-Elephunk, however… oooh boy. We’re in trouble. Big trouble, boss. Now that BEP are done, Billy Boy has decided to get up in our business with his solo album, #willpower. I’m not fucking kidding – that hashtag is A PART OF THE ALBUM TITLE. You know how I was giving shit to Jennifer Lopez about that just the other day? Yeah, at least she didn’t change her name to #JLo or some shit. Like, how weak is that? My god.
Anyway, on this little catastrophy he attempts to mix his obnoxious, booming electro beats with… ragtime? No, seriously? Oh yeah, he’s got dancers in tuxes, banjos, old-school choreography. What an absolute fucking mess this thing is. I have no idea exactly what he was trying to achieve here, but it’s a complete travesty. A car-crash in slow motion. I… I just can’t. I want to go on and on about it, but I just do NOT have the fucking energy. Just… just don’t do this, okay? Don’t. I mean it!
“The mark on the wall that you kick, when you fight in the dead of the night…”
Oh, hey! It’s Andy Bull! Y’know, Andy? Oh come on, he was everywhere for awhile. Dog! Last Waltz! Yeah, old mate. That’s the guy. Handsome fucker. Bachelor of The Year nominee. Piano man. Yeah, yeah, you’re catching my drift. He’s been on here before. Twice. And now he’s back! Yep, Bully Boy has got himself a brand new video. It’s pretty exciting stuff, really! Good to have him back.
What’s that? You want me to tell you about the video? Hmmm. Well, we might have some difficulty there. Y’see, I normally don’t admit to such things in such a blatant fashion, but I genuinely have no flippin’ idea what in actual shit is going on in this video. There’s a hunky dude in glasses who’s lifting weights in time with the song, some old lady stamping paper in time with the song, a birthday cake being blown out, a series of Babushka suitcases being packed an unpacked. My guess is AB has had a nice little acid trip and wrote down what happened – right down to the extras getting their lip-syncing wrong. I’m dazed and confused, people. But I’ll be damned if I’m not impressed. It all just tessellates. It meshes together beautifully. I’ll have what Andy’s having.
“You thought that we would rock, and knock it up a notch…”
We’ve talked about Local H before, namely their mammoth single Bound to the Floor. Truth be told, that was not my first experience with the band. No, it came around 8 or 9 years old, where I saw this video, for their less-successful track All the Kids Are Right. I enjoyed it so much that I went out and bought the single – which, funnily enough, had Bound to the Floor as an acoustic B-side. So, was I just merely infatuated by the rockin’ tune itself? Upon review, I’m gonna go with “not quite.”
Y’see, this is a really, really clever video. I might not have even realised it fully when I watched it the first time around, but it may have set in subliminally. The video takes place at a venue where a Local H show is happening. The twist is that Local H themselves are the only people that are there. No, seriously! Everyone in the audience, the guys doing the sound, the merch guys, the security, the scalper out the front – all of them are played by either vocalist/guitarist Scott Lucas or drummer Joe Daniels, who left the band about a year later. It’s brilliantly edited for something that came out 15 years ago. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it again all those years later. Those clever bastards!
“It’s broke and shattered, to a million and one…”
Yeah, I’m gonna be completely honest here. There was absolutely no shitting way that I ever thought that She & Him – the musical project for M. Ward and perennial manic-pixie-dream-girl Zooey Deschanel – would ever appear on this blog in a positive light. I mean, they’re just so fucking twee and cutesy and blergh. I’ve gone off Deschanel something chronic lately – probably something to do with her awful New Girl show, which just got less and less funny as it got queasier and queasier. Not to mention all those Frankie girls spinning around the streets in their floral dresses, Instagramming their 35-dollar breakfasts and playing San Cisco on their iPod; all the while idolising their dearest Zooey.
So, with all of that in mind, how exactly in all of fuck did I end up grinning like an idiot at this video, the first in support of their imaginatively-titled third album, Volume 3? I’m personally blaming my enjoyment of I Could’ve Been Your Girl on two things. The first is the goddamn colour and choreography. I mean, you guys remember how much I gushed over the Cameo Lover video, right? This is exactly like that. Zooey is wearing a bright pink dress with baby blue frill and bright yellow shoes. I queered up the second I saw her in it. As for the dancing, it’s just remarkably camp and wonderful and sweet. I’m not supposed to be feeling this way, dammit!
And the second thing? Well, call me crazy, but I genuinely think that Zooey is taking the absolute piss out of herself and the whole MPDG movement. Look at the haphazard way she tries to spin her umbrella, or the fumbling of the beachball, or how awkward she is with the wooden duck. These might just be attempts to humanise her, but I’m seeing something else. I’m seeing Deschanel attempting to break the fourth wall to show anyone that will give her a chance that she’s more than aware she’s a stereotype. It’s as if she’s saying “Yeah, I know I’m a bit ridiculous. And so are all the people trying to be like me.” I dunno, should I let sleeping dogs lie on this one? I really like Ward’s guitar, Zooey’s not the worst singer, and this video cracked a grin out of me. Maybe I’ll listen to Volume 3… Jesus, what is happening to me?
“I know you like my bumper, don’t be ashamed…”
Okay, before you ask, the answer is no. I literally could not find a better photo of Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull together than this one. I don’t know what that says about either of us, really. Anyway, let’s get on to the matter at hand. Remember the last time we covered a video by these two, and I mentioned that J-Lo was – for lack of a better term – pretty much too old for this shit? Yeah, that was two fucking years ago. Jennifer Lopez is 43. She’s somebody’s mother. She is not Madonna. There is absolutely no reason why she should be parading about like a woman half her age. This isn’t some women-in-their-place bullshit, either; I’m genuinely just amazed that J-Lo still feels a need to do this.
The video for Live It Up tries to make J-Lo seem as young and hip with the kids as ever. She has a cool phone! She gets texts from Pitbull! The text message includes a hashtag! That’s what the kids are using at the moment, aren’t they? Hashtags? Pound signs? That’s #cool, right? Oh, and then we cut to Pitbull – only 32, but looking far older – partying on the beach! There’s ladies! Pitbull loves the ladies, right? Wait… did he just say “YOLO” in his rap? AHAHAHA. They’re so down with the kids. The kids will love it. #yolo, you guys! We then head off to Jenny literally jumping through hoops to keep the kids entertained. This is… well, it’s excruciating, really. Anything with Pitbull is. But it’s made all the worse by Lopez not being able to let go. Come on, now. This is beyond a joke. I couldn’t even laugh at how bad this was. I was too busy cringing. You’ll do the same. MR. WORLDWIDE! HASHTAG! YOLO! LOL!
“You carry protection, but your heart will go on like Celine Deon…”
Another insight into my childhood comes with this turn-of-the-century banger from one of the most wondrous of one-hit-wonder groups, Bomfunk MCs. Freestyler was at the top of the charts in – according to Wikipedia – Sweden, Germany, Australia, Norway, New Zealand, Austria, Switzerland, Turkey, Belgium, the Netherlands and Italy. That’s a worldwide fucking hit, people. Nought to be sneezed at. Even with this in mind, I can’t help but feel it wouldn’t have quite gotten there were it not for this absolute smash of a music video. Often imitated, never duplicated.
If you were engaged with music on any level in 1999, I don’t have to run through the finer details of the clip. For those of you out of the loop, though, it’s set in a Helsinki train station and follows the adventures of a precocious 15 year old that just happens to have a magical remote given to him. This can only go well, right? The clip feels, at times, like a complete time capsule – I mean, look at the fashion! The dancing! The glasses! The hair! Sure, it was all in Finland; but these people were certainly not uncool looking in 1999. In fact, they’d have looked pretty boss, all things considered.
The video is also a commentary on abuse of power, believe it or not. If you can see that through all the choreography, you’re far more observant than I was when I first saw the video all those years ago. I just wanted to be that badass little kid. Fuck, even in 2013, I still kinda want to be that kid; and he’s probably pushing 30 now. Anyway, reminisce with me – or, better yet, experience for the first time.
“I know that feelin’, brah, coz I been there, too…”
Earlier today, we showed you the new video from The Lonely Island. It was hilarious. Intentionally hilarious. Right now, we’re going to share the new video from Western Sydney’s Kerser. It’s also hilarious, but not in the way TLI do it. You may be blissfully unaware of who this guy is and what he does, so allow us to bring you up to speed. Kerser is a rapper of sorts. He released a song – a real song – called Kerser is the Sickest. He did this to his face. His fans are lads and criminals – and that’s not just an assumption. His debut album, The Nebulizer, is the most stolen album from JB Hi-Fi; so much so that you can now only buy it over the counter. Along with 360, I put the blame squarely on people like Kerser for giving Australian hip-hop a bad name.
On this track, Kerser attempts to have his own Sing for the Moment on a D&M ballad. Naturally, it has to be raining in the video, so you can’t see Kerser crying over how deep it is. Sure, it’s just a guy with a hose, probably giving Kers a nice case of pneumonia, but doesn’t it look so EMOTIONAL? A bunch of footage from meet-and-greets show what kind of swamp-rats and bush-pigs follow this guy around, while the slow-mo “serious” shots are just too funny for words. Did I mention that he says “vice and versa” instead of “vice [vy-seh] versa” in the chorus, too? Probably dropped out in year 10 to smoke cones under the bridge and save up his dole cheques to buy a bum bag. Who needs to learn Latin? Latin’s for faggots!
There is one thing we can agree on: The lyric “Don’t look up to me/I’m fucked in the head.” The comments are filled with misguided, hateful little kids talking about how Kerser has saved their life. If you’re 16 and your boyfriend is in jail, your life wasn’t worth saving. Fuck this noise. Kerser and his fans will continue to be the lowest common denominator in Australian hip-hop. Am I allowed to say that? Of course! They don’t even know what common denominators are.
“I got that wife pussy, I got that pussy on lock…”
Back so soon? Yep! Another Wack Wednesday has been and gone, and we have another brand new video from The Lonely Island crew to get us in the mood for their third studio album, The Wack Album. So, we’ve already had a play on an overused phrase; as well as some brilliant contrasts between vacation hedonism and GLBT rights. Where do we go from here?
Pretty simple, folks. The time for kiddie games is over! We’re dealing with adults here! Ones that can afford to give their babies things to poop in! Adults that are married! Adults that have life insurance and a grave plot! This is some grown-ass man shit! It’s fitting, then, that the guys have made a video dedicated entirely to this remarkable premise. It’s a real breakthrough for TLI, and I have a feeling that you guys will have a great appreciation for it.
This video recently kicked me square in the nostalgia. If you follow this blog with any degree of consistency, you’ll know that the majority of my nostalgic videos come from either the late 90s or the mid 2000s, as they were both incredibly formative times for my taste in music. This video comes directly out of the former, at a time where I was obsessed with the pop charts and Saturday morning television. Saturday morning meant rage, of course; but, for a period, it also meant FlyTV – and I will high-five each and every person that can remember that show on the ABC. One of the videos that came up most frequently on that show was a clip from British production duo the Propellerheads, who scored a major hit around 1997 with their Dame Shirley Bassey collaboration, History Repeating.
While Crash! obviously didn’t have the same kind of star power – it was, after all, merely a horn- driven instrumental in the shadow of History Repeating – it certainly made up for it in terms of its remarkable video. It’s breakfast time in this house, which is occupied solely by the Propellerheads themselves and an Elvis impersonator. While one heads off, the King and the Propellerhead have themselves a remarkable start to the day. I always knew that my Saturday would kick arse if I saw this hilarious and impeccably-choreographed video; and rediscovering this clip over the weekend truly felt amazing. Maybe more than it should. I dunno. I don’t even care, dude! Long live the king!
“Dear Lord, when I get to Heaven, please let me bring my man…”
Hi, guys! So, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? The good news? Okay, that works for me. Well, the good news is that The Great Gatsby is out in the world, and friend-of-the-blog Brendan Maclean stars in it. So go and check that out, even if you’re not a Baz Luhrman guy. I mean, I’m sure as shit not. But I’d do anything for our B-Mac. I hope you do the same. The bad news, then? Oh. That. Well, someone in some department somewhere at some stage of proceedings thought it would be a good idea to get Lana Del fucking Ray to do something for the soundtrack.
Now, given that it’s no longer 2012, I had foolishly figured that just enough time had passed for us to realise and appreciate that getting Lana Del Ray to do anything at any time for anyone is a bad idea. Don’t believe me? Oh, go ahead; go watch the video for Blue Jeans again. Or worse, the video for Ride. Thank fuck we never got around to that one on the blog. I would have necked myself before I even got to 100 words. Anyway, let’s take a look at Young and Beautiful, the typically overwrought and sappy new song that they’ve thrown on the Gatsby soundtrack. The video consists of an Instagram filter, some footage of an orchestra – and, of course, our dear sweet Lizzie herself. She looks as bored and dissatisfied as she sounds – and, subsequently, how you’ll look once you’re done watching this video. There’s no plot, only attempts at spectacle. Look how pretty everything is? Christ on a bike. Bring me a bucket, won’t you Lizzie? I’m done here.