The Cringe: Deane Wyldman – “Gold Coast’n”

“Five chicks to one, ain’t no time for respect…”

This video came out about six months after I started my blog. To this day, I have absolutely no idea why it’s taken me this long to get around to it. It’s one of the all-time great bad videos, a nasty cultural cringe that has aged horribly (which, considering it’s not even three years old, is saying something). We don’t even know that much about the guy in question – Deane “Deanzy” Wyldman has not been heard of from or since, despite attempts to break into the mainstream both here and in the States with this video. This one didn’t even reach six figures in clip views, and today we’re here to explain why.

Our adventure begins with Deane being woken up by a Skype call… that goes directly to his TV for some reason. “We’re going out!” says the blonde ditz. Wait, isn’t it the morning? Has Deanzy slept until the afternoon? We have no clue where we are or why they’re planning to go out so early. “Where are we going?” asks our hero. “Gold Coast, baby,” she responds. Now, wait just a second – aren’t they already ON the Gold Coast? Isn’t that where this guy supposedly lives? Where else would they be going out? Tamworth? It’s worth pointing out that this complex in my brain has started even before the song has properly started. Naturally, it can only get better from this point.

As we move into the verses, there’s a guy I want you to look out for. It’s the guy with the spiky blonde hair – you’ll be able to recognise him pretty easily, as he’s a good twentysomething years older than everyone around him. I can’t tell if they’re trying to pass him off as a bodyguard (which is EXACTLY what you need when you’ve got eighty thousand views on YouTube) or if he’s supposed to be one of their mates. He isn’t very convincing as either, and comes across roughly as awkward as the other dancing friend in the Friday video. You know the one.

From there, we get some joyless shots of Deane and the crew flying in a helicopter. Seconds later, it’s suddenly night time and we’re all up in the club. Yes, it is exactly as uncomfortable as you would expect. Cheap choreography, girls that look dead in the eyes dancing away and, in perhaps the most laughable moment of the whole thing, Deanzy dropping a stack of clearly fake cash to pay for all the drinks he and the girls are doing to be downing. Get fucked, stud – that isn’t even your goddamn house that you walked out of! Don’t give me that shit!

So: Is it wrong to invest so much into something that clearly had no thought process? Maybe a little. All I can tell you is that I am so very, very glad that this exists. No, truly! It’s one of the absolute great bad clips that this country has ever produced, up there with Warrick Capper‘s and the immortal Tamara Jaber trilogy we featured some time ago. It shows you how literally everything  can go wrong, and how gloriously hilarious the results can be. I leave you with this, a real quote from the video’s comment section:

“oi bro dis is sik as ay da chix r way hot n da corous is heaps cachy. Gettin a mad pitbull vibe good stuff man keep it up. GC reperzent!”

That’s completely unedited, too. Party on.

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