Watch This If You Dare: Jessie J – “It’s My Party”

“I think it’s time you realised, you’re only wasting your time…”

Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ. I turned my back on Jessie J for one second and then this shit happens. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. For those of you playing at home, Jessie J was a thing in Australia for a good 10 minutes or so a couple of years ago. I tolerated her breakout hit Price Tag for its duration, and then found myself vomiting profusely at whatever else she released, including the execrable Do It Like a Dude and Domino. Inexplicably, she also ended up becoming a judge on the UK version of The Voice, where in one moment of truly terrifying irony, she rejected Sean Conlon – a man who was on her walls as a child while he was in the boy band 5ive.

So, where do we find ourselves now? Well, she’s shaved all her hair off and died the regrowth blonde, now looking like an albino Emeli Sande or P!nk around the time of her second album. She’s also released this insufferable piece of shit, and an equally annoying video that would even have P!nk herself suggesting it get toned down a little. Firstly, not to be petty, but what in all of fuck is she wearing in that first scene? I have no issue with short dresses, but this honestly looks like she’s wearing a shirt and forgot to put on tights, stockings or pants underneath. She also decides to burst into three completely different parties, uninvited, and just start fucking with whomever she sees. Wackiness, thy name truly is Jessie. Extreme close-ups and poor choreography truly do make this a nasty experience, a soulless pop video that exudes none of the fun it supposedly portrays. I didn’t think I’d see a pop video this year more joyless and soul-destroying than We Can’t Stop. Here we are.

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