Watch This If You Dare: The Janoskians – “Set This World on Fire”

“Your mama she don’t like me, your brother wanna fight me…”

Okay, so here’s the deal: I’m pretty old. I try and keep up with the world of pop culture, but there are some things that slip through my radar pretty easily. One such instance of this happening is The Janoskians, a group of tiny children that are apparently famous for being disruptive brats in public places, like some sort of G-rated Jackass or The Dudesons or some shit.  There are hysterical levels of fandom for these little boys, with thousands of girls making squee noises at them across the country and leaping at their keyboards to defend their honour. I guess it gives them something to do now that Justin Bieber has hit puberty and Short Stack have split up.

Anyway, the children were not happy with their legions of adoring little misses with crumpled poster in one hand and mum’s credit card in the other. They wanted a pop career, too. The end result is a video of TOTALLY WACKY SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 10 ONLY ON NICKELODEON hijinx mixed with some truly sub-par pop music. Remember how when Cody Simpson was starting out he was being packaged as “the new Bieber” even though Bieber hadn’t even hit puberty yet? Well, this Janoskian thing is clearly some label execs thinking “the new One Direction,” even though the dust has barely settled on their debut album from last year. They do the goofy boy-band stereotypes even worse than Blue or Mercury 4, landing somewhere closer to Heart2Heart territory. This feels like a complete product, artificial to the point where I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if these children didn’t even sing on the track. Hell, they literally JUST stopped wearing nappies, how would they get their tiny little heads around things like vocals or writing music?

Oh, and for anyone who calls me out for liking Justin BieberOne Direction and the like, remember this: There is a MASSIVE difference between enjoying sugary-sweet pop music and seeing through a very clear grab for cash that benefits no-one. You’re telling me this lot is headed out on a national tour with Reece Mastin on the back of this? Are you fucking kidding me? Once again, Aussie pop, you’re doing it wrong.

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