Watch This If You Dare: Aerosmith – “Legendary Child”

“Remember not too long ago, I was down and out of luck…”

H’oh-boyo-boyo-boy. Exactly where in fuck do we begin with this one? Thinking that Aerosmith still being a band well over a decade past their last hit is one thing. Making new music to add to their nostalgia-ridden bullshit arena tours is another entirely. I honestly believe that you will struggle to find a more irrelevant piece of music released in 2012 than this song, or at least the album it comes off, the forthcoming Music from Another Dimension! And we haven’t even scratched the surface here – let’s get to the atrocious video the band have paired up with their first single in six years.

Okay, let’s get one thing out of the way: the crush you had on the chick in Spy Kids back in the day? TOTALLY justified. Holy SHIT. She’s 23 now and is scolding hot, as seen in this clip. The good times do not roll on, unfortunately – quite literally, in this instance. Although there was potential for a fun clip here – a chase scene involving girls on rollerskates – it’s poorly directed and sloppily edited. The insistance of having footage of the band, who are collectively about a millenium old, doesn’t help the video any further. You can have that wind machine blowing into your plastic faces all you want, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry.It won’t make you look any younger or cooler, believe you me.

Steven recently announced that he would be leaving American Idol with a bizarre statement: “After some long … hard … thoughts … I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit.” Riiiight. So, instead of boiling his rabbit, he’s back to screwing the pooch with Aerosmith. I believe that’s called a Dutch door action? Whatever it is, we’re screwed. Aerosmith refuse to die, and it’s high-time for a mercy killing.

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