FEATURED FRIDAYS – Takin’ 5: Napster Bad

I’ve been a big fan of Metallica since I was an eight year old kid, jumping up and down on my couch screaming “GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME DABIJABIZA!” With this in mind, I feel I’ve earned the right to both praise them and criticise them – particularly when it comes to their music videos. For every classic like One – their first-ever video – and the iconic EnterSandman, there’s a stack of other turgid clips that they have put their name to. It’s terrible, but also kind of entertaining. With this in mind, here are the five worst Metallica clips.

5. Frantic

Fresh from the Michael Bay school of “WOO SHIT’S BLOWING UP! AMERICA!” Lots of car crashes in slow motion,  as well as close-ups of James Hetfield‘s horrendous facial hair. Wash, rinse, repeat. Rubbish stuff.

4. Mama Said

In which our hero looks like a coon-shooting redneck, gets into a car, looks more like a coon-shooting redneck, plays guitar, looks even more like a coon-shooting redneck if that was even humanly possible and then… well, actually, I don’t think there is anything more to this video. Working title was Get Off My Lawn, Wetbacks.

3. St. Anger

In an attempt to reclaim their badass image, our heroes perform one of their worst songs to date in front of a bunch of dudes in prison. Riddled with cliches to the point where I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the prisoners they do close-ups on were actors. Lame posing and a boring, tame video.

2. Until It Sleeps

Just so we’re clear: No-one in Metallica can act. That’s why One is such a good video – the acting is done for them. Here, we get to watch dolled-up Lars Ulrich doing his angry-old-man face, Kirk Hammett up on the crucifix (EDGY!), Jason Newstead covered in dirt and shouting and old mate Hetfield trying to show pained emotion but ending up just looking plain old constipated. That’s what the 90s will do for you.

1. The View

I have pissed off Hetfield to the point that he is going to start his own blog, entitled Yes, I Am the Table! Can’t wait for that. Before he does that, though, take a quick squiz at this hilariously bad foray into the avant-garde with 70-year-old Lou Reed. Lots of dirtiness, black-and-white shots, terrible facial expression acting and… I dunno… I AM THE TABLE.

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