Takin’ 5: Special Edition – The Biggest Douche In The Universe

Ladies and gents, I know I’ve been pretty slack with this segment, but I’ve decided to bring it back with a vengeance. Welcome to a very special edition of Takin’ 5, where today, we get a little bit of insight into an artist whose idiocy, sexism and delusions of grandeur are like no other. This man has plagued charts consistently for the past two years, and we only buy into it further by sending his hits to the top of the charts. He is evil incarnate. But who is he?

He’s Flo Rida, that’s who.

We’re now going to look at his five worst videos, from worst to worstest (yes, that IS a word, shut up!). Some of them have up to seventy million views. Can you IMAGINE seventy million people thinking that this music is a good idea? Sadly, I can. It’s embarrasing. Here we go…

5. Elevator (feat. Timbaland)
What’s that? You already figured out what was going to be in this video? Well, fuck me, you’re a genius! How did you figure that one out? It wouldn’t have anything to do with the title, would it? Mmm, thought so. Anyway, here’s our hero surrounding himself with chicks, while Timbaland gets in on the action. Yep, even though he’s married with kids, Timba just can’t help himself when it comes to hanging out with a douchebag, slutty women and insanely lame euphemisms about ‘coming up’ and ‘going down’ and what have you. Typical.

4. Sugar (feat. Wynter Gordon)
Interestingly, this is one of the few videos of Flo’s that hasn’t reach over a million views. Perhaps it’s because we don’t want to hear or see a manscaped knuckle-dragger hitting on bikini-clad doctors or hanging out on the beach while Eiffel 65 plays in the background? You be the judge.

3. Club Can’t Handle Me (feat. David Guetta)
Further proof that there is not an original bone in Flo Rida’s musical body, here he is ripping off Kings of Leon‘s Use Somebody with David Guetta doing what he normally does in videos – high-five people, dance akwardly and press a few buttons on his deck. Meanwhile, footage from some stupid dance movie (IN 3D!!!!!!one!!!!) is interspersed, which makes for my least favourite kind of video – the soundtrack video. Especially when your movie is some Step Up bullshit.

2. Low (feat. T-Pain)
The evil that started it all, here’s T-Pain doing his generic “hey I wrote a chorus give me money” schtick. Meanwhile, Flo hits up a club and shows off his muscles, shitty tattoos and gross beard. To think that THIS is what made the man a star is downright sickening. The amazing thing is, however, that against all odds, this isn’t Flo’s worst video.

1. Right Round (feat. Ke$ha)
There it is, people. The ultimate display of the douchebag in full action. A summer anthem about headjobs while Dead or Alive get ripped off (again, the originality thing) and Ke$ha slowly spreads her STDs throughout the song. Yes, you can now catch STDs via music – ths is living proof. Anyways, the video is a headache, on account of the continuous spinning and the rage-induced headache you’ll get when you come to realise how deeply in love Flo is with himself. It’s fucking ridiculous, man. I can’t even talk about it anymore.

Make of all of this what you will. Easy target? Probably, but you tend to become one when you end up being everything that’s wrong with music.


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