“They built a mini mall, so we built a bigger mini mall. They made the world’s largest pizza, so we burned down their City Hall.”
– Lisa Simpson
Normally, I begin my posts with a lyric from the song that I am analysing. However, today I’ve gone with a quote. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I can’t remember any of the lyrics apart from “every minute, every second” and I couldn’t be arsed googling them. Secondly, this quote more or less exactly sums up what pisses me off about Australian pop music right now – always trying to outworsen the shit things going on in North America. They gave us The Backstreet Boys? We had Human Nature. *NSYNC? We had Mercury 4. They slutted up Britney? We eventually slutted up Vanessa Amorosi. And now, at the height of Bieber Fever, we’ve plucked this little pubeless twerp from obscurity and given him a “hit” to sing.
Meet Cody Simpson. He was born – wait for it – IN 1997. Now, I’m totally fine with most kids – but not if they’re in the charts trying to show up a far more talented/three years older Canadian kid (yeah, I just said Justin Bieber has talented. Come and get me). This is just ridiculous – shouldn’t this kid be focusing on graduating primary school as opposed to trying to win over some jailbait on the beach? I wanted nothing to do with girls when I was his fucking age – what’s the difference? Is there some kind of freakish generation gap already where all the prepubescent fetuses are trying to get fresh with “the laydeez” now? The video doesn’t get much better – it’s all riding around on bikes, playing cricket on a beach, holding a guitar and not actually playing it (A TIP TO GET LAID HE LEARNED FROM CYANIDE AND HAPPINESS) and superimposing Flo Rida onto a poster on a pole so he can do his phoned-in, “I better be gettin’ paid for this shit” rap verse.
This is beyond a joke. Even doing a google images search for the kid felt like fucking child pornography. It’s just twisted that the Australian pop industry would be willing to sink to this low in order to try and hop on a trend . Then again, someone at some point in history has given Tamara Jaber the time of day, so I guess there aren’t really lower lows to sink to. Quick, New Zealand! Find a “prodigious” nine-year-old and market it! Now! Go!