Watch This If You Dare: Vanessa Amorosi feat. Seany B – “Mr. Mysterious”

“I’ll be looking for a guy that I saw, that I saw in the middle of the night…”

WARNING: THIS MIGHT GET LONG/RANTY/UGLY.

Why did Vanessa Amorosi think it was a good idea to stage a comeback? Her tacky take on allegedly-earnest pop/rock previously resulted in her awful album The Power and adult-contemporary radio staples Absolutely Everybody and Shine. Her Wiki entry will go on about her singing ability, but it’s no good if she can’t put it to proper use (Mariah Carey, anyone?). If she wanted to retain any credibility whatsoever, it would have been in her best interest to lay low and perhaps start a new career digging ditches. But, no, Australian record labels decided that watered-down, artificial pop in the country needed a woman’s touch. Thus Amorosi re-emerged a year or two ago. She’s up to her second post-comeback record now, and amazingly has managed to create a lower career point than singing Absolutely Everybody alongside a puppet (okay, so it was Elmo, but that’s beside the point).

Mr. Mysterious continues my 85/15 split in my hate/love relationship with Australian pop music. The song itself is downright atrocious, and the video doesn’t make things much better. Where to begin? An expensive looking guitar is dangled about on Amorosi like a prop, as if strapping it onto her somehow gives her more artistic integrity. Fat chance, sister. Not when you’re dancing around dudes in suits and masks (GEE, WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE?) and trying to hump your mic stand in that hideous dress of yours. While we’re on the topic, you’re nearly thirty – stop trying to act like you’re a decade younger in that outfit and for the love of God stop trying to convince both the world and yourself of your sexiness.

Perhaps the most embarassing part of the song is where Amorosi stops singing. Surely you’d think there’d be some kind of relief here, but no. Enter Seany B, the tool who looks like a Jersey Shore reject and was last seen on the nightmarish Flaunt It by TV Rock. As he does his best imitation of a rap and continues to convince himself he’s deserving of being crowned King Shit, Amorosi is sitting around flicking through photos of the dudes in the masks – on her fucking iPhone. Dayum, REAL subtle plug there, kids.

Excuse the extensive rant, but seriously – fuck this shit. I’m sick of seeing this rubbish on MusicMAX and Channel [V] all the goddamn time. There are so many better Australian artists that deserve the level of support Amorosi gets – I’ve seriously heard buskers that are better than her. This has got to stop. It won’t, but it just HAS to.

End rant. Enter video. Watch This If You Dare.

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